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Writers' Heaven & Writers' Hell

What You're In For When You Get Published

by Nina L. Diamond

A writer dies, and is immediately met by a spirit, who tells him that he has a choice: he can go to Writers' Heaven or Writers' Hell.

"I can show them both to you," the spirit continues, "so that you can choose."  

"Okay," says the writer, thinking that his choice will be a no-brainer.

First, the spirit takes him to Writers' Hell. The gates open, and the writer sees a ghastly scene: a room so big that he can't see where it ends...it's lit by horrible fluorescent lights, and filled with row after row of long tables...writers are sitting at the tables in front of writing pads, typewriters, and computers...next to each writer is a cup of coffee, a cigarette burning in an ashtray, and a bottle of scotch...all of the writers are typing away furiously, and behind each writer’s chair is a demon whipping the back of the chair, and yelling, "Write faster! Write faster!"

"This is awful!" the writer says to the spirit. "Get me out of here! Take me to Writers' Heaven!"

So, the spirit takes him up to Writers' Heaven. The gates open, and the writer can't believe his eyes. It's the same scene he just witnessed in Writers' Hell! With one exception: angels are whipping the backs of the writers' chairs, and yelling, "Write faster! Write faster!"  

"I don't get it," the writer says to the spirit. "What’s going on? Writers' Heaven looks just like Writers' Hell!"

"Ahh," says the spirit, "But in Writers' Heaven, they've been published."  

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If you think that all your problems are over now that you've been offered a book contract, think again.  

Your problems are really just beginning.

I'm the eternal optimist, so believe me when I say that I'm not being negative here. I'm being realistic. And so should you, because if you’re not, then your publishing experiences will show you just how awful Writers' Heaven can be.

A Publisher's Initial Book Contract Is Designed To Benefit The Publisher, Not You.
That's why contracts are always negotiated by your agent or literary attorney. They improve upon the contracts to get you the best terms possible regarding all the aspects of the contract, not just the financial ones. Never sign a book contract that hasn't been negotiated, and never negotiate your contract yourself.  

Just Because You've Given Your Publisher the Book's Foreign Rights and Other Subsidiary Rights, Doesn't Mean They're Going To Do Anything With Them.
That's one of the reasons your agent will try to negotiate your contract so that you get to retain foreign rights and as many of the subsidiary rights as possible. Then, your agent, on you behalf, can sell your book to foreign publishers, and make other sub rights deals for you, such as audio book and film.  

Your Editor Is Not Your New Best Friend.
Forget what you've seen in the movies. Gone are the days when editors worked closely with their writers or became buddies with them. Only in extremely rare instances do these kinds of relationships exist today, and they're usually found between mega-best-selling authors and their major publishing house editors or between authors and their independent publishing house editors. I know of only one editor who forms the kind of relationships that were common in "the old days."

Today, editors are very busy being businesspeople, and barely have the time to even edit your book, let alone nurture you as an author or form a bond with you. In fact, they usually resent having to have more than the barest minimum amount of contact with you between the time you sign the contract and the day you turn your manuscript in.  

Your Agent Has Nothing To Do With Promoting Your Book, And Neither Does Your Editor.
That's the job of the publishing house's promotion and PR department and its publicists, the outside publicists you may hire, and you. Your publisher will never do as much to promote your book as they've promised or as much as you think they should. Your book signings will get screwed up when on occasion the books the bookstore ordered don't arrive in time for your signing. Your books won't be distributed as well as they should be. They'll end up shelved in the wrong categories, and even classified on store computers in the wrong categories. In short, everything that could possibly go wrong with promotion and distribution will. Even if you're a best-selling author.  

Your Family, Friends & Colleagues May Treat You Differently After You’ve Sold Your Book and/or After It’s Published.
Sad, but true. They could be jealous, or just uncomfortable. They could resent you. They could assume you have a hell of a lot more money than you do, just because you're now a published author. Most people don't realize just how little money the majority of authors actually earn from their advances and royalties. Some people may suddenly be more interested in you as a friend or family member than they've ever been before, and want to show you off. Even if you're a mid-list author who got no advance and a 500-copy print run.

Welcome to Writers’ Heaven…Hope you’re not allergic to feathers.

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Read Nina’s other recent feature articles on the Heavenly/Hellish aspects of writing and publishing:

Survival of the Fittest
When Determination Isn’t Enough

Why Don't They Say What They Mean?
Decoding the Language of Agents & Editors

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Nina L. Diamond is a journalist, essayist, and the author of Voices of Truth: Conversations with Scientists, Thinkers & Healers. Her work has appeared in numerous publications, including Omni, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, The Chicago Tribune, and The Miami Herald.

Ms. Diamond was a writer and performer on Pandemonium, the National Public Radio (NPR) satirical humor program, for its entire run in Miami and select markets nationwide from 1984-1998. As an editor, she works frequently with other authors and journalists on both fiction and non-fiction.